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Crowds rejoice as hideous idyllic beach eyesore to be replaced with sparkling new mall

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Crowds rejoice as hideous idyllic beach eyesore to be replaced with sparkling new mall

New Mall on the Beach complex delights Dubai residents

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DUBAI: There were wild scenes of jubilation across Dubai yesterday after it was announced that a grotesque and enormously popular sand-strewn beach was to be bulldozed and replaced by a dazzling new luxury mall and entertainment complex.

According to plans unveiled by the project developers FFS LLC, construction work will begin next month and will see the loathsome idyllic stretch of outstanding natural beauty transformed into Mall On The Beach, a four-floor shopping plaza complete with multi-screen cinema, indoor theme park and space for up to 40 restaurants.

“It’s really a dream come true,” said local resident Maryam Zorob, admiring the various artists’ impressions of the project. “For too long the view from my apartment has been blighted by this hideous golden shoreline paradise and the revolting azure blue waters of the Gulf beyond. I simply can’t wait to warmly welcome the sight of cranes and diggers on the landscape. From my understanding, once the work is complete I’m going to be looking out directly onto a multi-storey car park!”

Other locals praised the benefits of having a facility such as Mall On The Beach right on their doorsteps.

“I’m so pleased that finally the consumer needs of this community have been considered,” said Kareem Rubicon.

“Previously we’ve had to walk upwards of 300 metres to reach the nearest branch of Massimo Dutti because of this heavenly sun-soaked blot on the landscape and I’ve heard horror stories from my neighbours about McDonalds deliveries taking over 15 minutes to arrive.”

But the developers don’t intend to stop at the current designs for Mall on the Beach and have revealed ambitious plans to extend it further across Dubai’s pristine coastline.

“We see [Mall on the Beach] as simply the first step in what we hope will be a series of interconnected shopping and entertainment destinations that will stretch the length of and completely cover Dubai’s much-loved seashore eyesores,” said project director Ahmed Al Haribo.

“Our aim is that by 2023 no man, woman or child in the city will enjoy the horrendous blissful feeling of sand between their toes again.”

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  1. Anonymous

    July 20, 2013 at 9:33 am

    “FFS LLC” hahaha

  2. Roadworrier

    July 20, 2013 at 1:15 pm

    Scary part – this isn’t even frickin’ satire !! I’m looking forward to the lakes at JLT being filled in, and the pristine marshlands of Dubai Creek being drained to create a “Business Bay” or something. Oh wait, they did that already? Oh heck, let’s alter those shoreline ecosystems so we can get rid of all that pesky fish in the gulf and instead we can all eat imported fish.

    • Chris de Burj

      July 21, 2013 at 10:31 am

      Great idea on the fish, we’re already on it. Just looking at a Dubai angle.

      We thought Goldfish but then we realised everyone had them.

      So we’ve developed Platynumfish.

      It’s half platypus, half fish so you also get legs which KFC can work with.

      We’re still working on making them enormous, in line with Dubai’s SOP.

      But let me tell you, a daddy blue whale does a lot of damage to a mummy platypus – we may have to rethink that one.

      • Merlin

        July 22, 2013 at 8:13 pm

        How much for the platynumfish, I must have one – NOW!

        I already have a breeding pair of Duck Billed Platynumpussies 🙁 Platynumpussii? HELP!

    • Anonymous

      July 23, 2013 at 11:59 am

      One of those ugly ‘lakes’ are being filled in to make a park. Surely that’s a good thing. You stupid donkey.

  3. Anonymous

    July 20, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    Its is scary and sad that some ppl actually think its cool .we need more parks and trees -not malls

    • Merlin

      July 22, 2013 at 9:34 am

      One can NEVER have enough Malls Anonymous?

      What the hell use is a Golden Beach if it’s not actually made of gold? They’re just made of sand, how poverty stricken does that make Dubai look, eh?

      No, more malls is the only way to go, I like to have my ‘Crap, on Tap’, wherever I go.

      Parks and Trees?? Have a word with yourself!

  4. Jack Hammer

    July 21, 2013 at 9:34 am

    We’re in danger of having a serious debate here…!

    Moving swiftly on I think it’s a great idea and have heard rumblings of a new shopping mall connecting Qatar to Bahrain in the worlds longest mall and first Mall-Metro system where you actually get the metro from shop to shop as the boots your looking for could be a 2 mile hike.

  5. Rupert Snooty-McShite

    July 22, 2013 at 4:03 am

    What they should do is have a huge concrete roof over all of Dubai, incororating all the malls, towers and roads. That way we can all be lazy and live in full A/C and our servants can toil away on our behalf in pleasant surroundings!

  6. Alan Sunlotion

    July 22, 2013 at 4:43 am

    You are all missing the point here. Think about it. Another mall would mean more of the same shops selling the same crap and your same favourite brands. More scary Filipinas sitting on those stands in the aisle selling camels,sweets and language videos. More strange sculptures that dont actually mean anything. More hello mamsir! That fabulously welcoming Dubai customer service. And to top it all maybe another spooky Geant or Carrefore. Who needs beaches anyway, its too hot, the sea is devoid of any life and you cant get a drink!!

  7. Ramadan A. Dingdong

    July 22, 2013 at 11:48 am

    Why not get all the sand and sell it to the Arabs.

  8. Vries

    July 23, 2013 at 10:45 am

    Plastic Fantastic, up, up in the sky… Let’s play some football too…in 55 degrees C. Oh…lets build the new stadiums with airco inside…INSANE…

  9. Jimi

    August 12, 2013 at 11:22 pm

    An intriguing part of the new complex is the entire second floor will be an indoor beach, with a life-like ocean and man-made sun designed to emulate a real beach as much as possible, the first of its kind. One drawback is it will cost 500 million dollars, leaving investors dissatisfied with how to spend the rest of the 6 billion they were looking to spend on the project.

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